Let’s get straight to it: I’m overflowing with emotions right now. Everything feels chaotic. I tend to hold my feelings inside until they’re ready to burst out as tears, and lately they have—full force, multiple times, often for no obvious reason.
Why share this? My good friend Ryan has encouraged me from the start of this blog to be as honest and authentic as possible with my readers. So, Ryan, here it is—real and unfiltered.
Since embracing CrossFit, I’ve changed a lot. I first tried CrossFit on my own at a regular gym after my best friend Jon introduced me. I also began to change my diet—slowly at first. I mistakenly believed exercise alone could carry me, ignoring that diet plays a huge role in a healthy lifestyle. I experimented: removing some grains, cutting dairy, eliminating grains completely, trying Zone, trying Paleo, combining Zone and Paleo, cutting out cheats, and then allowing them again. That back-and-forth was exhausting.
During that period my body shifted dramatically. I went from almost 160 pounds down to 123, then up to 130 where I stayed for several months until I started training for Sectionals this year. After a difficult breakup and slipping below 120, I intensified training for Sectionals. I also started gaining weight and couldn’t figure out why. Clothes felt tighter, my lower body returned to the size it had been at 160 pounds, and my face rounded out. I was thrilled by my gains in strength but increasingly uncomfortable with the body I’d come to know.
I stopped fitting into many of my clothes, couldn’t shop easily because my legs were too big for usual styles, and began avoiding the mirror. I felt uncomfortable with who I’d become. Ironically, I received more compliments than ever, but all I could think was, “I’m fat.” Saying it out loud feels raw, but it’s honest. The hardest part was working with incredible women daily—women I hoped to inspire to love their bodies—while I cried at home wishing I looked different.
When Regionals arrived, something shifted. Being surrounded by women who looked like me—strong, muscular, confident—was exactly what I needed. Their presence was a wake-up call: my body wasn’t wrong or abnormal. This is how a body looks when it lifts 205 pounds repeatedly, when it performs 30 handstand push-ups, when it trains to be its best. That realization helped me see that my appearance reflected my capabilities.
That doesn’t mean I’m fully comfortable yet. Confidence is still a daily challenge. I still notice acne, cellulite, and lumps. I probably always will. I’m learning to accept that because, at the same time, I’m stronger and faster than ever. I’m doing wods every day, maintaining my health, and building a life I wouldn’t have without CrossFit.
Self-confidence has been a lifelong struggle. I haven’t often seen myself as beautiful or strong. But I do know I’m passionate. I have the drive to become the person I imagine—even if I don’t know exactly what she looks like. I believe she’s strong inside and out, and pursuing that strength daily guides me forward.
What direction am I pursuing? Personal excellence. I want to push through pain, grow, and make a positive impact—whether through a recipe on this blog, encouraging someone at the gym, or pushing a wod that helps me reach for the Games one day. My hope is to change at least one life along the way.
I aim to be a better person, measured by how many hearts I touch. I’m not writing to complain; I’m writing to reach anyone who struggles the way I do. We read blogs to connect, and I hope you can connect with me now that you know some of my inner battles. Just as strength isn’t built in a day, self-acceptance takes time. I blog because I love people and love sharing stories and recipes—hoping to inspire at least one person to see themselves differently, to cook something nourishing, to feel better inside, and to carry that confidence outward.
Work hard every day and never settle for less than your best. Try this with me: look in the mirror and tell yourself, “You are beautiful,” or “You are amazing.” Shift your attitude for the day. Smile and show the world what you have to offer. I’m about to do the same.